of muumuus and lard

I’m now in a panic because I’m going to The Mansion this weekend which will presumably dictate the wearing of skimpy clothing and perhaps even a [gasp] bikini. And what with all the roast dinners I’ve been eating and the lager I was guzzling right up until the weekend, my belly has developed a style of movement all its own (a la Santa Clause) and I’m bulging out of all but my most elasticated clothing like a bountiful tub of top-quality lard. Or perhaps duck fat. I don’t suppose it’s possible to lose a stone in a week, is it? No, thought not.

So, plan B: spend the entire weekend in a voluminous silk Kaftan or Muumuu (what is the difference, really, anyway?), turban and ginormous shades, carrying a telescoping cigarette holder in one hand and a martini in the other, channelling Joan Crawford, Rosalind Russell or the 40s Hollywood Diva of your choice.

Does anyone know where I can get a muumuu, stat?