I know you’ve all been agonizing over what to buy me for Christmas this year. Despite last year’s winning Inappropriate Christmas Ornament (lovingly entitled And what do YOU want for Christmas, little girl?), what I’m after is not obscene pipe cleaner art. What I’m after is this. I need one. Surely everyone can see that. I’ll bedazzle you an eye patch! I’ll bedazzle the back pocket of your favorite jeans! Or I’ll promise not to, how’s that? Whatever it takes. Please, people. Please?